Dear Lisi: One of my work colleagues has a white bump on her eyelid. It looks like a pimple but isn’t in the location of a pimple. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t stop staring!
I feel terrible and try to look elsewhere, but it’s on her eye. I always look people in the eye when I speak to them, and it feels rude to do otherwise.
I’m very uncomfortable and avoid her at all costs. But we work together, and she’s a very nice person.
Help!
Distracted Eye
This is going to cause a ruckus, but I’d just be up front with her. I’d rather be honest and direct then be awkward and uncomfortable. I learned that when I was a teenager.
I was at a concert in a large stadium and the guy next to me kept talking to me. I think he liked my friend. He had a huge, fresh-looking scar down his cheek. I kept staring at it.
Finally I said, “I don’t mean to be rude, but I can’t help but notice your scar. What happened?”
He was so relieved that I had asked and not continued to stare, he told me the whole story (which I forget), and continued on to tell me that I was the only person he had yet to meet who was brave enough to come right out and ask. And he appreciated that.
Lesson learned, for me, anyway.
FEEDBACK Regarding the married woman debating whether or not to tell her husband about a past same-sex relationship (Jan. 18):
Reader — “Why? Why would you suggest she tell her husband? I doubt that he’ll help her get past that.
“It’s like suggesting to someone they tell their spouse about every past relationship they ever had before they met. Why? There is no need. It’s irrelevant, and it could bring up uncomfortable feelings that could cause problems in the relationship that did not need to happen.
“This woman needs to be OK with that relationship, and as you mentioned, sexuality is fluid, and she had a wonderful relationship, and it could’ve been with a man or a woman, and now, she’s with this man and married and happy. End of story. Move on, and be OK with the memories of a beautiful same-sex relationship.
“This is her issue, and if she’s having problems with these memories, then she needs to take it to a therapist, not to her husband. Who knows what his position might be on homosexuality, or bisexuality. This is her past, and it needs to be left in the past, as it’s not doing anything to affect their present situation.
“I brought something like this into a relationship once, and it actually did cause a lot of consternation with the man I was with. He kept wondering if perhaps I might want to have that lifestyle once again.”
Lisi — You clearly explain why your reaction is such, based on your own experience. That’s very normal. And no, I don’t believe that people need to share their entire past relationship history with their spouse if they don’t want to.
This woman stated that her marriage was solid and she was definitely heterosexual. Many people have good enough marriages that they can talk to their spouses about the past. I suggested she share with him so he could help her. Hopefully, he was cool with it.
Dear Lisi: My wife is miserable. She has a chronic itch causing insomnia. It keeps her up all night. She’s tried antihistamines, oral and creams. She’s been to an allergist — no result.
The itch comes and goes; when it’s gone, she sleeps 12 hours straight. But when it’s persistent, she doesn’t sleep at all. She tries cold compresses, lathers herself in cream, scratches, anything to help the itch.
I feel terrible for her, obviously, but she’s moody, miserable and making life very unpleasant for everyone around her. How can I help her and us?
Tired by default
I feel for both of you, as this situation is out of everyone’s control. On the nights that your wife can’t sleep, can one of you inhabit a different room? Hopefully, you can get a good night’s sleep and be a helpful partner.
Obviously, I recommend your wife see another doctor, or seek another medical opinion, but I know that can be a long process. In the meantime, help her find anything over-the-counter that may give her some relief. There are lots of oatmeal-based washes, and chamomile and cooling-based creams.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
