Like many Canadians, my genetic heritage is a Hungarian goulash of races and cultures, but not actually from Hungary.
According to my mother, I am half Czech, one quarter Norwegian and one quarter “mind your own beeswax.”
Canada is an immigrant nation and the way we mix and blend ethnicities is a strength, as well as an endless source of restaurants.
Also, I appreciate having such a good excuse for presenting as a nearsighted bald pear who is not very good at remembering details: It’s in my DNA.
Sometimes ancestral DNA combines to produce a Chris Evans, and sometimes a Chris Christie. In this example, I am Boris Karloff. I know he isn’t in this example, but trust me, that’s how DNA works: Phenotypically speaking, some of us are the dog, some of us are the fire hydrant.
Regardless of racial and cultural heritage, everybody is disappointed about something in the bathroom mirror. At this time of year, most of us are disappointed in not being more Irish. Why else would you be thinking about a pint of Guinness right now?
Fortunately, every March 17, we have an official day for pretending to be more Irish than we really are. Saint Patrick’s Day is celebrated in more countries than any other national holiday, apart from Black Friday and Cyber Monday, obviously.
In the Irish language, Saint Patrick’s Day is Lá Fhéile Pádraig, which you can see if you sort of scrunch up your eyes and drink the requisite amount of Guinness.
It is held on the traditional death date of the patron saint of Ireland, a country known for Guinness as well as many other significant and non-alcohol related gifts to the world, such as mixed martial arts fighter Conor McGregor.
Saint Patrick himself (real name: Jack Murphy) was a fifth-century Romano-British Christian missionary in Ireland (real name: Land of Ire). We don’t know much about him apart from a) not knowing much about him; and b) his Christian work was turned into allegory in which he drove “snakes” — heathen practices — out of Ireland, as actual snakes are not known to inhabit the region.
Here in Canada, the Irish are the fourth-largest ethnic group as of the 2016 census, with 4,627,000 Canadians publicly admitting to full or partial Irish ancestry.
In particular, it is estimated that 380% of Newfoundlanders have Irish ancestry on at least one side of their family tree, and another 100% would benefit from a good remedial math course.
This is all due to the fact that life got pretty bad in Ireland, what with the potato famine and Conor McGregor-related violence and whatnot, leading to the great Irish Diaspora (with Guinness: Diaspóra na nGael).
Since 1700, between nine and 10 million people born in Ireland have emigrated, which is double the current population of Ireland and a bit of a challenge for tourism marketing, which safely leans into “the Emerald Isle” business.
The Saint Patrick’s Day custom of “wetting the shamrock” has historically been very popular because, well, alcohol. But there are many other completely different traditions such as “drowning the shamrock,” “chugging the shamrock” and “hosing down the shamrock.”
Some of you may be asking: Dave, what if I don’t like shamrocks? Don’t worry, St. Patrick’s Day is still a good opportunity for you to pretend to be more Irish than you really are!
Here are a few suggestions:
Wear green. In the distant past, circa 1985, people believed in wee faeries called leprechauns, who would play evil tricks on society, such as electing Ronald Reagan and Brian Mulroney. Because faeries are known to be colour blind, we wear the colour green to hide from tax cuts for corporations and the wealthy.
Punch people not wearing green. Sorry, that should read “pinch,” not “punch,” although both are forms of assault, and reinforce the negative stereotype of a violent culture flirting with trickledown leprechauns.
Watch Irish step dancing. Famous productions like Riverdance and Lord of the Dance majestically demonstrate plantar fasciitis and shin splints from the three basic Irish dances: the jig, the reel and the hornpipe. If we’re being honest here, they are all pretty similar and require a certain amount of shamrocks to appreciate.
Sing Irish songs. Ireland has a long tradition of breaking into shamrocks and then, when everybody is good and relaxed, into songs such as Danny Boy, When Irish Eyes are Smiling and that one about the unicorn not making it into the ark by that criminal terrorist organisation The Irish Rovers.
Of course, there has been criticism of Saint Patrick’s Day celebrations for having become too commercialized and for fostering negative stereotypes of the Irish people, to be sure.
This is too bad, because pretending to be Irish is actually a compliment, what with imitation being the sincerest form of flattery and the chance to dye the Chicago River green every year.
I, for one, am going to continue to embrace my pretend Irish heritage on St. Patrick’s Day in the traditional way: I’m going to sort of scrunch up my eyes and drink the requisite amount of Guinness.
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