Pretty much everyone I grew up with was born, and most of them were raised, by a mother and/or father, despite the best efforts of brothers, sisters, grandparents and semi-homicidal cousins.
We call this group of benignly scarring relatives “family,” and generally agree not to call in lawyers, what with us all being adults now and also because the party of the second part still has incriminating photos and other physical evidence of the party of the first part’s whereabouts, state of mind and blood-alcohol level back in the day.
Notwithstanding decades of being yelled at, bitten, lied to and having all your stuff wrecked and/or stolen, many people are nostalgic about family, and happy to celebrate it, especially if that means a day off work in February.
“Family Day” is a very important holiday in Canada, except for the provinces where it isn’t, which is not just the one with the cheese and smokers, like you’re thinking.
Those that do it (British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Ontario and New Brunswick) describe Family Day along the lines of “a time to focus on getting closer to your loved ones.”
A little-known fact about Family Day is that these provinces are being TOTALLY SERIOUS. It’s not just a day off work to make an early start on your income taxes — which you won’t do because spring is coming soon and you need to clean out the garage to find the lawnmower.
Of course, getting closer to your loved ones is better than giving up the will to live because it’s February. Also because nobody practised piano this week and Lego is scattered across the living room and the cat is now decorated pink and green with Crayola markers.
Fully half of Canada’s provinces do not value getting closer to loved ones. For example, Prince Edward Island celebrates “Islander Day,” a time when Islanders gather around an effigy of Anne of Green Gables, which they throw potatoes at and then burn before the tourist season begins.
Manitoba celebrates “Louis Riel Armstrong Day,” honouring the famous jazz musician and Métis leader who led two resistance movements against the Government of Canada, which if we’re being honest, we all want to do around income-tax time.
Both the Yukon and Nova Scotia observe “Heritage Day,” celebrating how close they are, which is 4,741 kilometres. Hang on … That can’t be right. OK, re-reading my notes and I see “close” refers to their shared traditions in riding out 11 months of terrible weather every year.
The official, preferred name for Canada’s smallest and westernmost territory really is “the Yukon,” with a definite article. The “the” came into effect in August 2021 to recognize that for many people, referring to “the Yukon” is part of the territory’s unique culture and given they have so many guns, whaddya gonna do?
Depending on your political affiliation/level of education, you may prefer to blame the name change on COVID or the deep state or jet contrails.
Family Day is not a national holiday, which means that all of British Columbia’s 29,881 federal workers have to go to work.
This includes Canada Post employees not currently on strike, and auditors for Canada Revenue Agency, who strongly prefer that you forget the garage and lawnmower and start organizing your T4 forms.
Family Day actually originated in Alberta in 1990, under the orders of premier Don Jean Paul Getty, who picked the February date — I swear I am not making this up — to coincide with George Washington’s birthday in order to avoid disrupting trade between Alberta and the Gulf of America.
Many municipalities across British Columbia put on special events for Family Day, especially if they employ HR staff and feel guilty about them just sitting around wasting taxpayer dollars.
Common activities include:
• Community salmonella barbecue
• Face painting in the bouncy castle
• Music no one likes
If you are having trouble coming up with your own ideas for how to celebrate Family Day this year, say because you recently sustained a serious head injury, or because you are a man, here are a few:
Family movie night! Watch a classic movie together, something spectacular and exciting the whole family can enjoy, like The Sound of Music or Apocalypse Now. Try to focus on the time together, not how you can’t hear what is going on because of all the chatting and farting.
Family games night! Time yourselves to see how long you can play a fun group game like charades or 20 questions before the evening devolves into a fist fight.
If your children are teenagers, you might try Family Meaningful Discussion Night.
The idea is, instead of having fun with friends, you make them talk about important issues they don’t actually know anything about, such as the decline of Western democracy into fascist oligarchy, or why the speed limit in Victoria is ludicrously slow.
Family dinner! I admit this is scraping the bottom of the activity barrel. You should feed your family every day, not just on statutory holidays. We all know nobody is helping with the dishes.
The principles of Family Day are simple:
• Plan activities that everyone will enjoy
• Focus on spending quality time together
• Make the most of this long weekend and get your taxes done early for once.
>>> To comment on this article, write a letter to the editor: [email protected]
