I was pushing my newborn twins in the stroller down a treed trail. My toddler older son was walking ahead and swinging a stick. He loved sticks. Suddenly, I had the image of him hanging in the tree.
It was terrifying.
“What kind of mom thinks that?” I wondered, over and over as we carried on to the park. By now, I was breaking out into a cold sweat, and my knees were weak.
To back up, to say I adored — and adore — my sons is a massive understatement.
They were beyond wanted and beyond loved.
I covered every light socket and checked them during nap times to ensure they were still breathing.
I locked the toilet seat lid down because I heard toddlers could drown in them. I used cloth diapers so their skin wouldn’t be irritated, breastfed them and co-slept with them.
They were my life.
And yet I had this scary thought and others that followed.
At home, after the walk, I looked at the knives in the block on the counter, and at the hammer I had taken out to put up pictures.
What if I was losing my mind and used those to hurt my kids?
I locked away these formerly innocent-seeming items.
Sadly, I didn’t tell anyone for a long time.
I was so scared and ashamed.
But the harder I tried not to think about them, the more vivid the thoughts got.
I didn’t deserve my sons, I told myself.
Eventually, when I told a therapist everything I was going through, she smiled warmly.
She explained that I was experiencing unwanted intrusive thoughts.
She said it was that I cared so much about my kids and would never harm them in real life that made me so freaked out.
It was quite common to have such thoughts, she said. I was just trying so hard not to think of them, it was giving them more power. Like trying not to think of a pink elephant — the harder you try, there it is.
Eventually, thanks to continued therapy and with the help of an antidepressant to bring my anxiety under control, the scary thoughts went away, or if they did come, I didn’t let them freak me out.
In fact, I had pretty much forgotten about them until last week when the University of British Columbia released a study that I so wish had come out 25 years ago when my sons were small.
It found that a mom’s thoughts of harming a child are a common but unpleasant part of the postpartum experience for many — up to 50% of new moms.
This latest UBC study confirms findings from an earlier pilot study.
My advice for new moms is not to keep your thoughts a secret; talk about them with your doctor, therapist, or trusted other moms.
When I shared our online story about the study on the Squamish Moms Facebook group, it warmed my heart to see other moms sharing their experiences with intrusive thoughts.
For dads reading this, check in with your partner and listen without judgment if she shares.
Being alone with them, in many ways, is the scariest part.
