Recently someone complained to me of how rude people are when saying no. He was canvassing for a charity and enjoyed meeting the people in his neighbourhood, but didn't appreciate those who slammed the door shut or lied to him. People didn't seem to know how to say no.
So what do you do when someone asks you to do something that you don't want to do? Do you find yourself saying yes and then resenting the action and the person who asked you? Do you reach for the first excuse you can think of and offer that in your defence and hope the person doesn't think badly of you? Do you lie? Do you become defensive and push the person away with your words or actions?
When it is right for you to say yes and when no is right can only be decided by you. You can figure out what you want to answer by paying attention to your immediate response to the request.
Imagine someone asking you to do something that you think is disgusting - perhaps cleaning up someone's garbage, strewn around by a bear. Close your eyes and visualise yourself approaching the disgusting task. Can you feel the response in your body? You might experience tension in your stomach, shoulders, arms, or hands. You might also feel tension in your face - your lip might curl, eyebrows go up and the skin tighten around your eyes. You may even sense yourself pulling away a little bit. Pay attention to whatever your response is. This is your adverse response.
Now imagine yourself doing something you love - curling up with a child and reading a book together, playing with a dog or riding your bike. Pay attention while you visualize yourself doing this. You might feel relaxed and warm throughout your body. There may be a faint smile on your face. You may even feel yourself leaning toward that experience. This is the feeling of attraction.
By paying close attention to your responses, you will begin to know what you want to do and what you really don't. When you are asked to do something that attracts you, say yes. This isn't usually difficult for most of us.
When you are asked to do something you don't want to do, practise the following response, "No, thank you."
Isn't that simple? If you really feel obligated to add more, try "Thank you, but that doesn't interest me." Or perhaps, "Thank you, I would prefer not to."
Of course, there are times when you are asked to do something and you aren't sure what to say, nor is your initial response clear. When that happens, let the other person know that you need some time to think about it, do so and then respond.
This is honouring your own inner wisdom and setting boundaries with people in a respectful, polite way. It is always possible and usually right to say no if that is how you feel.
